All of a sudden I understand negativity in a flash
it was never mine
it was yours

which is why i couldn’t hold it
it didn’t belong in my world

replacing the wheel bearings // truck troll

because i saw pain, not negativity
I saw hurt—
I saw anguish—
I saw a raw human soul.

you said,
“but that is negativity !
i know because it hurts me to look at !
it pains me to see.”

by that logic
pain must be wicked
negative—
destructive—
because it fucking hurts !
it stabs.
“it can drown you,” you tell me

i counter,
just because a thing is destructive
does not make it villainous

is it not a greater act of kindness
to demolish a structure
that no longer stands on its own ?
to tear it down
so that it can be built anew
afresh
a-free

is it not more hateful
to allow it to s l o w l y d i s s o l v e
itself + everything it touches ?

because every structure
requires support

is it not more vile
to steal opportunity of new life
for f e a r
of negativity ?

you said,
“i don’t want to find the strength
because i’m still reveling in my weakness,
in my pain.
i hide it, even from myself
because i f e a r
that my pain is too much already.”

you said,
“i must call it n e g a t i v i t y
because anything else shatters the illusion.

the illusion
of p a i n l e s s n e s s
that I hold
d e a r e r
than i hold myself.”

I couldn’t understand it until now
because to me
pain is not n e g a t i v i t y
negativity can be excruciating
painful, yes

but negativity is what you get
when you d e m o n i z e pain

negativity is the overwhelm
when you refuse
t o h o l d y o u r s e l f

when you refuse
to let yourself
b e c u r i o u s
because you’re afraid
of your own p o w e r
of your own m i g h t
of your own v u l n e r a b i l i t y

so you shame mine.

because you believe
it will help contain yours !

to shove it in the darkened corner
with t h e b i g s c a r i e s
where spiders build
towering webs
around your dark secrets

further cementing
the wooziness
of t h e b i g s c a r i e s
the overwhelm
of the blanket of shame
that you believe to be
your invisibility cloak

i can’t see it your way because in the past i have tried
& in a brief flash
i knew my life would be over
my alive would have no chance
of ever returning

camping on a beach in utah alone under the stars

if i chose your way
if i had accepted your definition
that you forged
in f e a r ,
abandonment of self,
& d i s g u s t
at the dirt in your own mirror.

my pain is not negativity
my pain is my power
or at least, a crucial part of it

my pain
can sometimes
even create
your m i r r o r

it will not be ignored
it will not be swept aside
not for your false comfort
not for your judgmental misappropriations
not for your world

in my world, the world i choose
the world i build
for myself
[ and for you, too ]

my pain will be felt
like the thousands of daggers it is
my pain will be h o n o r e d
for the generations it has survived
my pain will be s e e n
for the cuts, wounds, and punctures it inflicts
and my pain will be h e l d
like the tiny child who often experiences it

because when i am cut
the darkness o o z e s out
demanding a container

because when it is held properly,
as it very much demands to be,
i t t r a n s f o r m s
with l i g h t left in its wake

light that pierces
light that enmeshes
light that binds
light that moves the pain
to its proper resting place

in this place
i do not see my bruises
as wounds

i cannot
because they are healing
beautifully betrayed by their coloring
poetically guided by their p a t t e r n s
& fucking p a i n f u l to the touch
but they heal nonetheless
at their pace

the pace
ordained
by my own body

i know of their healing
only because
i endeavored to learn
the language
of anguish

i cannot see it as negativity
i won’t
i refuse
because i see it
as l i f e
life a b u n d a n t
life u n a p o l o g e t i c

life lived in color
is never truly appreciated by anyone
until you’ve experienced, firsthand
life lived in the transparency
the depth
of the m o n o c h r o m e
of the big scaries that will begin to seem so smol

for these reasons and more
I couldn’t understand your view
because it was not mine
it was only for you

it was a shrine
to the power you give away
because you don’t see it as power

because
you’ve enlisted the wrong definitions
to label y o u r s e l f
& your life

sometimes chasing all the right things
still leads you down the straight & narrow
yet, how utterly b o r i n g & unimaginative it is
to walk a straight line all your life

in lieu of your fearful view
i implore you
to try living each day
e m b o d y i n g

just one color

just one shade

before you try
to meld them all together
as i have done

i did the w o r k
of understanding
your s i d e
does not equal
m i n e

that your side has a function
that i hope, for your sake
is short lived

‘but it can drown you,’ you once said

“only
when you’re not c a r e f u l
only
when you’re not r e s p e c t f u l
only
when you don’t h o l d i t . ”
i finally muster the courage
to say back.

try to tell me that it is not better
that it is still negativity
just try it
then tell me

i dare you.