I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about self care and what it means in today’s world. I’ve always been a fan of self care, but like, real self care, and I distinctly remember having a visceral reaction to the way it is portrayed in social media, and the messages piling up behind it.
I don’t freely identify with all the ways it is pushed on you in the media, which for a while gave me a huge aversion to anything labelled “self care,” and especially to people touting the self-care gospel. So I sat with it. For a long time. Possibly years. And I rebelled against it, as my angsty realist nature is wont to do with things I don’t understand, especially when they are asserting my needs. I’m an unwavering believer in independent thought, and in the fact that no one knows your needs better than you. I found it borderline offensive that all of these social media accounts were labelling themselves experts on other people’s needs. Especially since their version of “self care” seemed woefully misguided and trite.
However, I am a firm believer in not taking an argumentative stance with anyone or anything until you’re sure of your argument, and are willing to continue shaping it. A steady does of gentle education and humility could solve most of the world’s problems.
This thought process consumed me until I gradually pieced together, and assimilated my own thoughts and opinions on it. Slowly, intentionally, gently observing my own self care rituals, while carefully comparing them to the advice out there in the worldwide web of highly subjective materials. What I found was that these practices weren’t wrong, per se, but they were severely lacking in depth and understanding. They were incomplete.
So I did what I do best, and I began studying. I studied neuroscience, neurobiology, psychology, nutrition science, personality theories, and any other disciplines that I thought could help me to understand what it is humans need, and why. I’m a very detail oriented person, who also pays a concerted amount of attention to the big picture.
So when I would see little self care sound bites:
I would think, “But I hate face masks, of all ilk! I’m too tired for yoga. I’m too anxious for a bath, or a book…” And on, and on. I honestly felt kind of attacked by the barrage of assertions on what self care is. I did not feel encouraged, or enlightened, I felt like it was just another list of things that I need to do, but don’t have the time, energy, or resources to accomplish. And now, not only am I disconnected from myself, I feel like crap, I have more things on my to do list, with less time to do them, and all of this is all my fault for not making the time to do the things. And I cannot wait until Sunday to take care of myself.
It’s not that these lists are dead wrong, or that they’re terribly contradictory, though often they are. It’s that in my perspective, they’re incomplete. Self care isn’t an arbitrary list of tasks that you need to complete to make yourself feel human again. Self care is learning to tune into your humanity, your body, and your life force, to ask what they need to feel whole again. Those needs are going to be so different for every single person, and they will be changing every day. What works for you one day, might not work the next. Mindlessly drawing a bath every night, and doing a face mask, and staying off your phone for a few hours isn’t going to magically fix you, or give you more life if it’s not what your body, mind, and soul were asking for. Following someone else’s list might be a good way to begin learning what types of things speak to you, or help you tune in to yourself, but far more important than that step is the step that all of these self care tips seem to be missing, and which is how to learn your own body’s language.
Learning how to communicate with yourself is crucial. The self care I see in the media is almost entirely focused on learning how to relax, or how to enjoy, which are great lessons, but they’re not the end all be all. I understand why that is the sound bite message of self care, because it is warm, lovely, and inviting, it draws you in with a promise of euphoria, but all too often it falls flat. Why? Because there are so many facets of self care that are not presented, nor discussed. Self care has a dark side. It won’t destroy you, but it may feel like that at times, until you get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
The self care I want to see is how to know what you need quicker, and with more accuracy. It’s how to give yourself ample time and grace to respond to those needs, or to ask for assistance in responding to those needs. It’s learning to recognize when you are tapped out, and you need time to recuperate, and then knowing how you want to recuperate, what will actually soothe you. Personally I believe it will be a much smoother process to learn on your own, and then involve others, but again, this process is highly subjective.
All of this and more is what inspired me to do a series on self care. I believe it is the perfect foundation for nearly every other type of self work, and growth. Over the coming weeks I will be releasing detailed stages of self care for you to peruse at your leisure. I’m aiming to be as detailed as possible, and to consider as many aspects of self care as possible. I will be drawing from my own experiences, and research, and also from experiences with clients, friends, and family who I have either helped along, or been witness to their journeys to true self care.
If you have specific concerns on why any of the methods I mention wouldn’t work for you, or need clarification, or a deeper breakdown of processes, please feel free to reach out in an email with your own experience, concerns, or questions. If you would like your communication to remain anonymous, or confidential you need only to note that and I will be happy to respect your confidence.